It’s been a while since I write in this blog. Not because there is nothing interesting going on. In contrary, there is so much going on in my life that I need time to diggest it, to understand and find a way to deal it with the best way as possible.
Before reaching 30, my realtionship wit a man is mostly only in my imagination. I am to affraid to get involve in real life. I am satisfied with ideal picture in my head about relationship. that is why my relationship in real world was usually lasting only couple month. there always lack I found in my date soon I get to knew them. And with hiding in the story of keeping my platonis love, and being hopeful that it someday come true, I don’t mind to get rid of them. I cut off communication with them cause iI suddenly realise that they not the one, or that I have sudden doubt.
After reaching age of thirty, being einzelgaenger no longer fun, in fact it is almost unbereable. reality struck, almost all my friend have merried, some even have baby, and the clock thicking. Maybe at that age, my self esteem get better and I become braver to make a move. But soon I realise there is lot of in realtionship that I find so difficult to understand. It is not as a simple as meeeting a right man, a man in your dream, and happily ever after. It is a continues of strugle. strugle to win his heart, his trust, or againts people that come between us. But the most dificult it is a strugle within ourself, to convince our heart, to concure our fear, to control our self. but the last five years been long and tiring journey which unexpectedly draw me closer to Whom control our life, our heart, our story. Thanks God my path is closer to You dear Allah, or so I feel.
Right now I have reached conclusion that we should give everything up to Allah, ihklas. I hope the relationship I am in right now end up happy and save to the big day. But it is in Allah hand where it will end up. I am hopeful, yet I realize that we can only do our best. the result is not us to decide. InsyaAllah